Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
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Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.