If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
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Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I’m putting together a team
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.