CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
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me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too