Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
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wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*