DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
You Might Also Like
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
God, I love Scotland
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces