According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
You Might Also Like
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?