[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
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When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Our lord and savoury.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)