Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
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5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
“TGIM!” – My liver
Just me and my debit card against the world
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.