Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
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Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO