Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
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There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?