The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
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It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
You had me at “define legal”.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
ouch
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course