CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
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Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
how to have an accident 101
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?