when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
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Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.