Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
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When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Not all heroes wear capes….
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam