I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
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*frowns in Scottish*
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
The sacred texts.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.