Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
You Might Also Like
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”