Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
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Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.