me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
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Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today