Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
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Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.