ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
You Might Also Like
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
cause of death:
autopsy.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.