[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
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Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
My whole life was a lie.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face