I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
You Might Also Like
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
knights of the ikea table
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.