If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
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Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Noah
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
#Caturday
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.