Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
You Might Also Like
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”