if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
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My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.