*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
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Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
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