You Might Also Like
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
How did we not see this back then?
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*