I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
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The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea