I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
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3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Wait a minute
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.