I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
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My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
There is wisdom there.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin