Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
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“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?