Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
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Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Something Saturday.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand