“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
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Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Safety first
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Taliband
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.