In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
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I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Put a ring on it
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Whoa… oh I see lol
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.