Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
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An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.