Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
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If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I just tested negative for patience.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question