The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
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Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
nice challenge
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Start the year as you intend to continue.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.