3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
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Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out