I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
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My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*