[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
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Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT