HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
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I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”