Genius idea!!
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‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.