[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
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AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!