HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
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me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die