The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
You Might Also Like
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*