Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
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Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Animal poetry
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Accurate
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
When can I start eating bats again.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you