[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
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how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids