My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
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On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”