doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
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*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
So creative 😂
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda