“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
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83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
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.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!